Medicine
by WhiteRabbit52
Summary: Oneshot. Merlin is put on anti-depressants and even though its meant to be helping him, Arthur feels him drifting away.


Side effects: Tiredness, Nausea, headaches, suicidal thoughts.

"What the hell?" Merlin said, "These pills are supposed to stop me from feeling depressed but one of the side effects are suicidal thoughts."

"Let me see," Arthur said and snatched the bottle from Merlin's hands without waiting for an answer. He twirled the small bottle in his large hands, reading the label.

"That's actually hilarious," he said.

Merlin scowled and grabbed the bottle back, "The pills were your idea."

"And your mom's. They're going to help you, you'll see."

"Prat," Merlin mumbled.

Arthur looked at him innocently, "Excuse me? What did you call me?"

"You heard me," Merlin said and playfully punched Arthur's arm, "Prat."

"That's not what you called me last night. It was more like-," Arthur threw his head up and started moaning erotically, "yes... yes... oh... god, yes, Arthur, yes, FUCK ME! FUCK ME HARD! I WORSHIP THE AIR THAT ESCAPES FROM YOUR LUNGS!"

Merlin stared at him, patiently waiting for him to finish. When he did, he slumped back on the bed, apparently exhausted.

"Are you done?" Merlin asked condescendingly.

Arthur looked at him, "Yes."

Quick as lightning, Arthur grabbed the pills from Merlin again.

"Hey!" Merlin yelped.

"Your mom said that I must make sure you take these. She said I could use any methods I wanted... so should I tie you up now or..."

"Shut up. No one is going to tie anyone up."

Arthur laughed. He looked at his lover and couldn't help but notice that Merlin's smile was clouded. He and Merlin had been together since they were eighteen years old and now, ten years later at twenty-eight, Arthur couldn't imagine being with anyone else. It hadn't been easy. Uther's reaction to finding out that his only son was gay had been far from pleasant and Merlin's traumatic and fatherless childhood had left him battling with depression. He had been getting better, after meeting Arthur, but it wasn't that easy. A few months ago, he hadn't begun to get worse. Watching Merlin deteriorate had been more than Arthur could bear so he had signed him up for therapy and the psychiatrist had recommended the anti-depressants Arthur now held in his hands. Hunith was supportive. She was a good mom.

Arthur shuffled closed to Merlin on the bed and kissed his cheekbone.

"Promise me you'll take them," he whispered over Merlin's skin.

Merlin bit his lip and refused to meet Arthur's eye. Arthur was afraid he might start to cry. Merlin hated crying but Arthur knew sometimes he couldn't help it. Arthur kissed him all over, over his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his lips, then moved to his neck where he sucked a bit and let his tongue flicker out, knowing that it would make Merlin moan. Arthur pressed his chest against Merlin's and when he was sure Merlin was properly distracted he said,

"Please promise me you'll take the pills."

Merlin looked at him with dazed eyes and said, "okay."

Two weeks into taking the pills, Arthur notices that something has changed. He reminds Merlin about his pills religiously and he can see that, in the beginning, it annoys Merlin but then something about Merlin just shuts off.

There's no more waking up to calm Merlin down after nightmares. No more waking to find that Merlin has disappeared from the bed and the apartment. No more dealing with Merlin's anxiety or panic attacks. Merlin seems better and its okay until, very suddenly, he just becomes nothing at all.

Everything that made Merlin who he was seemed to be shut off all at once.

Merlin drifts into a routine. Arthur touches him and Merlin feels numb. It's like Merlin is asleep all the time. Arthur would reach out and touch him and still feel like he was so far away.

Once he caught Merlin staring in the mirror. When he asked how long he had been there, Merlin shook his head and walked away.

The worst thing was that technically, there was nothing wrong. Merlin was fine for the first time in years. He went out with Arthur. They danced, held hands and had coffee with Gwen and Lancelot like a normal fucking couple.

But there was something wrong. It wasn't the same. There was no more intensity, no more friction of passion. It was just the way it was supposed to be and it was driving mad. Arthur kept telling himself that this was good. Merlin was happy so he should be happy too but every now and again, Arthur looked at Merlin and wondered if he really was happy or if he was just numb.

"Merlin," He called out. It took awhile for Merlin to answer him. Arthur followed his voice and found him in the lounge, looking out of the window and drinking a cup of tea. Arthur slid his arm around his waist and looked where Arthur was looking.

"You know we don't have a view, right?" Arthur said, "This is just the wall of the next building."

Merlin blinked, "Yes, I know. I just dozed off their for a second." He shook his head and smiled.

"Merlin... are you okay?"

"Yeah," Merlin smiled, "I'm just tired."

"You're always tired."

Merlin shrugged.

"It's one of the side effects," Arthur said.

"So?"

"Um... Don't you think that maybe we should go ask a doctor about it or something?"

Merlin slid out of Arthur's grasp, "No, I'm fine. Really."

He smiled and walked away. Arthur watched his receding back.

"Merlin, wait."

He stopped and turned. He moved like he was drifting through water. Arthur swallowed and then he spoke.

"I think you should go off the medicine."

Merlin looked at him. His face impassive.

"I'm doing better," Merlin spoke slowly.

"Are you?" Arthur said and his words hung in the air, "It's like you're not even here."

"You're the one who basically shoved these pills down my throat," Merlin muttered and ran a tired hand through his hair.

"I-I just wanted you to be okay."

"Well, I am okay. This is how I am when I'm okay."

Arthur looked at him, "But you're not you any more."

Arthur could see that Merlin wanted nothing more than to walk awake and sit down somewhere, star at the wall or whatever he liked doing these days and Arthur couldn't stand to let him go.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I know its been hard-,"

"No, you don't know. Do you think I like taking these pills? Do you think I like feeling so dead all the time? Because you're right. I don't feel normal any more. I'm not sad but I'm not exactly happy either."

Merlin walked away before Arthur could stop him. Arthur followed him, calling his name. He heard a door slam. There was the sound of glass shattering.

"Merlin?" Arthur muttered and opened the door to the bathroom and saw Merlin standing above the open toilet, furiously struggling to open his bottle of pills.

"What are you doing?" Arthur shouted.

"I'm getting rid of them."

"Why?"

Merlin managed to open the bottle with a small pop, "I don't need them. I don't want them."

Arthur shuffled to his side and watched as a cascade of blue and white pills fall into the bathroom like a medicinal waterfall.

Merlin kicked the flush down with his boot and stood back with a satisfied sigh. Then he looked at Arthur and said,

"You're right. I'm not good on meds. They work for some people but not for me. When I'm on the meds I distance myself from you. I don't know why. You're all I need, Arthur, and you have been since I was eighteen years old."

Merlin smiled shyly at him. Even after all these years, Merlin struggled to look Arthur in the eyes when he confessed how much he loved him. He still got embarrassed. He still got butterflies in his stomach.

Arthur took the bottle from his hands and threw it in the waste paper basket. He smiled at Merlin and Merlin went scarlet. Arthur took his hand and leaned in for a kiss.

"We'll sort it out. It'll be okay."

Merlin nodded. He smiled because, of course, he believed everything Arthur said.


End file.
